So weird that I am going through this exactly when Spider-man: Brand New Day comes out.

These past couple days have been especially tough.

I’ve realized that the life that I wanted is not possible now.

Not just this, but also my old comparisons and patterns of Jealousy and resentment are starting to reappear.

Jelousy of old friends with other friends I resent for treating me badly.

I get hung up on thinking about how I’ve been replaced by people I’ve loved.

How my family don’t love me as much as they do some other people, and constantly compare me to others.

It sucks so much.

Knowing that you’ve actively played a part in this as well, in driving people away due to your own insecurities, but also how you were not alone in this, as they were partially responsible as well.

I wish I could become that person. The person who is completely rid of jealousy and envy, or at least (and maybe better), completely capable of having these feelings, and still operating towards the life that he wants.

That is the ideal here.

To be able to still focus on his own life and goals while still having these feelings.

To see that others pity him, and yet still choosing to be kind.

Being able to look at them spending time with each other, feel the jealousy and envy and sadness.

Grieve.

Then bring his focus back to his own goals.

He realizes that he is not a part of their life anymore, and more importantly, they are not a part of his life.

He is not a side character in someone else’s life.

He doesn’t spend time thinking about other people.

Only his goals.

Above else, he is here to improve his character.

This very moment. This very challenge and obstacle.

This situation where he is being replaced, where he feels like he is less than someone. Where he feels less funny or confident next to someone.

Where he feels poorer and less loved.

This is where that character is made.

p.s

I must give myself grace!

This is the first time experiencing these emotions and feelings.

I’ve not been taught how to handle these feelings and others have had much more experience.

One step at a time.

Back to my goals.